You will be walking some night
in the comfortable dark of your yard
and suddenly a great light will shine
round about you, and behind you
will be a wall you never saw before.
It will be clear to you suddenly
that you were about to escape,
and that you are guilty: you misread
the complex instructions, you are not
a member, you lost your card
or never had one. And you will know
that they have been there all along,
their eyes on your letters and books,
their hands in your pockets,
their ears wired to your bed.
Though you have done nothing shameful,
they will want you to be ashamed.
They will want you to kneel and weep
and say you should have been like them.
And once you say you are ashamed,
reading the page they hold out to you,
then such light as you have made
in your history will leave you.
They will no longer need to pursue you.
You will pursue them, begging forgiveness.
They will not forgive you.
There is no power against them.
It is only candor that is aloof from them,
Only an inward clarity, unashamed,
that they cannot reach. Be ready.
When their light has picked you out
and their questions are asked, say to them:
“I am not ashamed.” A sure horizon
will come around you. Then heron will begin his evening flight from the hilltop.
It’s December 31, 2010. Tonight is the twentieth third night for you at the Hospital for sick Children;The SickKids.
At 12:00 am the world is entering the new year 2011. They say it’s a warm day for Toronto’s winter. Honestly I have no clue of what is going on outside this small sad and warm world of SickKids since we were admitted to the hospital On December 6th.
“Epilepsy Disorder” ,is now written on your health records.
We live our lives thinking that we are above all those sort of scary things, avoiding the less fortunate ones that were chosen for some random reason so that we can feel good about ourselves, “which never made sense to me”.
But you my baby Nemer are not less fortunate. All those around you who are ignoring and avoiding you they just don’t realize what a wonderful blessing you are. I get my strength from you to stand up in the face of every day’s struggle. You have purified my heart from the dark dots that were blinding me. After you I have a deep warm meaning for life. Now the tiniest detail is making my day a happy day.
So far it just seems that the modern medicine is not working for you. You keep challenging doctors day after day. All friends and relatives are concerned and calling. It’s like the whole world is looking towards you. And to me it feels that they all are amazed of how strong and determined you are.
This little body of you was able somehow to justify you from a sin others have accused you for ignorantly.
The struggle with your seizures is still on. Whenever us ;your father and me; and them think the survival robe that will get you out of the jungle you are trapped in is caught, you get pulled back in again.
What I know for sure is what your eyes tells me whenever I look into them : “Don’t you worry mama, being lost in the jungle is part of my and your destiny. It may take a very, very long time. But I just don’t feel the pain that you see. What I feel the most is your love and determination, and that is what’s gonna get me out of this trap.”
Love you Habibi.